How to Talk to the Other Side
We can't bridge our country's political divide if we won't even talk to each other
I see them walking their dogs and pushing strollers on the sidewalk in front of my home. I automatically assume I know their politics because I’ve noticed their Trump flags and lawn signs during election season. One of those signs, which I drove past every week en route to the grocery, announced in bold Trumpian letters: "BIDEN HATES AMERICA!"
While I haven't met all of these neighborhood Trumpers, I've already villainized them in the dark corners of my mind. For starters, I picture them watching Fox News while they whitewash political lies, corruption, incompetence, misogyny, and racism — and applaud the end of scientific research. I imagine them gloating as Elon Musk dismantles government institutions faster than he can power-up his chainsaw. And I assume they spread bizarro conspiracy theories worthy of a two-part X-Files episode.
This is terribly unfair of me and I know it. Worse yet, my broad-stroke assumptions are emblematic of our country's polarization. It’s safe to add that most Trump supporters have equally disparaging opinions of me and my political views.
Which leads to some tough questions: How can we have civil discussions with coworkers, friends, and family members who disagree with our politics? Can we ever reach common ground with voters whose operating manual contains a different set of facts and ethics? How do we engage in meaningful ways while maintaining our boundaries and values?
Given so much national uncertainty and fear, it’s tempting to avoid anyone who doesn’t follow the same moral compass or share our beliefs.
About 90 percent of the folks with whom I spend my time are in my political camp. We have riveting discussions and share articles in person and online. We pride ourselves on being super-informed — and sometimes we scare each other sick with our doomscrolling. As often happens during any crisis, we've grown closer than ever.
But the other 10 percent of my social life includes extended family and a few colleagues with opposing views. If anything political pops into a conversation, they'll usually change the subject and ignore the orange elephant in the room.
I'm reminded of a cocktail party I hosted for a few friends in the early days of Trump's first presidential term. When a handful of the Democrats started voicing concerns about Trump's crude leadership style, a Republican friend jumped from her chair and abruptly left the party. She told me later that she "felt outnumbered" -- despite the fact that her candidate had won.
It’s impossible to achieve peace and understanding with anyone who slams the door shut — before a discussion can even get rolling.
Silence isn’t golden anymore
Before Trump, I was more likely to compliment you on your new haircut than chat about your politics. These days, however, I resent the notion that I should keep my opinions to myself — to “make nice” or appease others. With all due respect to Miss Manners, old-school etiquette doesn’t work anymore. Trump has shown by example, time and again, that “nice” isn’t the way forward now.
Trump is bullying our country through dangerous changes that will impact each of us, at a breathtaking pace we can barely handle. To pretend that this round-the-clock shit show is normal is an act of compliance. To ignore it is irresponsible. Because we can’t fix what we’re too scared or uncomfortable to talk about.
I'm not an expert at conflict resolution, but a little research has yielded a few ideas.
After Trump won his second U.S. presidential election last year, Angela Haupt wrote a helpful article in Time, "10 Rules for Post-Election Conversations" (Nov. 11, 2024). You can read the article here. As Haupt pointed out in her piece, timing is everything.
"Before attempting to enter a political conversation, ask the other person if they feel up to it. They might not be in a space yet to have that conversation—or maybe they only have 10 minutes to spare before they need to be somewhere, which wouldn’t allow both of you time to adequately express your feelings," Haupt wrote.
Of course, not every relationship merits the effort and courage it takes to launch an in-depth political discussion. For instance, your mail carrier and the guy at the car dealership don’t need to know your voting habits or why you believe democracy is at risk.
How to start meaningful conversations
One of the best ways to launch any difficult conversation is to ask non-threatening questions. Be curious and open. Once you’ve asked the questions, listen carefully, don’t judge, and try to learn from the answers -- even if you disagree. Some quick examples:
"What's your biggest issue or concern in American politics?"
"What made this candidate appeal to you?"
"What influences your views, and how do you choose your political candidates?"
"What changes do you want to see for our country, and why?"
Like most opportunities for growth and change, the process isn't easy.
In Psychology Today ("9 Tips to Save Your Politically Divided Friendships" (April 8, 2021), clinical psychologist Jade Wu, Ph.D. suggests that we challenge our assumptions about other people while we try to understand their views. As Wu explained, it’s best to enter political discussions as a curious human rather than a member of a particular “team” or political party.
This requires dropping all the preconceived notions — and the name-calling — that some people resort to when it comes to political identity. It should go without saying that derogatory terms such as radical, elitist, deplorable, sleaze-bag, libtard and maggot are conversational buzzkills.
I remind myself that Trump’s favorite tactic is to demonize and dehumanize his opponents — just as I did in my imagination whenever I drove past the neighbors who had Trump signs on their property. That way of thinking won’t lead to peace-making.
Lastly, here are three key truths I’ve learned over the years while interviewing people in my journalism career: (1) Everybody wants to be heard. (2) You’ll learn more if you listen more than you talk. (3) Nobody wants to be wrong or appear stupid. Keeping those points in mind will give you a diplomatic edge in any discussion you have.
Avoiding the tough conversations might feel safer in the short run. But that elephant in the room will keep on casting its ugly shadow over everything if we keep pretending it’s not there. If we expect our political leaders to have the guts to stand up to Trump and his minions — to speak truth to power — we should expect the same of ourselves. As always, it starts with us. We the people. ~Cindy La Ferle www.laferle.com
— If you enjoyed today’s column, please share it or restack it, and help me build a new readership here.
—COMING SOON: Some thoughts on boycotting and whether or not it works … How to manage political stress … My review of Senator Mallory McMorrow’s new book, Hate Won’t Win.
The divide is getting deeper by the day. Thanks for the research and do-able pointers.
Excellent pointers of how to begin conversations about politics. It’s so necessary. We are all Americans. It’s important for us to remember that before beginning any conversations to help ease the divide between our fellow Americans. Thank-you!