Why Can't We Be Friends?

It's getting harder to socialize in our angry, polarized nation. Here's a guide with fresh insight on how to understand people -- even those we barely tolerate.

Photo by Cindy La Ferle

You're rarely at a loss for words, but lately you're not sure what to say to the combative coworker who's intent on starting tariff debates, or the nosy neighbor who always wears a MAGA cap. Last month, in "How to Talk to the Other Side," I shared my ongoing struggle to discuss political viewpoints with folks who disagree. A few of you wrote to share similar struggles and asked for more help.

David Brooks has some useful ideas in his tool box.

"Our social skills are currently inadequate to the pluralistic societies we are living in," explains Brooks in his important best-seller, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen (Random House). "In my job as a journalist, I often find myself interviewing people who tell me they feel invisible and disrespected."

One of the nation's leading commentators, Brooks is an op-ed columnist for The New York Times and a writer for The Atlantic. In addition, he's a regular on PBS NewsHour and the best-selling author of several books on the human condition. How to Know a Person is David Brooks at his best.

As he sees it, American incivility is a symptom of a much bigger problem. So much of our country's polarization stems from the "fraying of our social fabric." More tribal than ever, we've not only forgotten how to talk with each other -- we're terrible listeners. While How to Know a Person isn't solely focused on politics, it describes the mindset and skills you need to encourage civil discourse in any difficult situation.

Where we're coming from matters

To research How to Know a Person, Brooks took a deep dive into the fields of psychology, philosophy, neuroscience, history, and education. He set out to learn what drives human relationships, reaching as far back as our individual ancestry to help solve the puzzle. Several factors -- family of origin, regional background, and cultural beliefs -- can influence how we interact with others. It helps to keep that in mind when we talk with anyone, he says.

Upfront, Brooks warns that few of us excel at making others feel "valued, heard, and understood."

Even if you think you've got the gift of gab and empathy to spare, Brooks will show you otherwise. Prepare to be humbled. The book walks you carefully through the reasons why most of us fail at real conversation -- and offers the tools we can use to improve our skills.

You'll learn, for starters, how to spot the difference between what Brooks calls Diminishers and Illuminators. As you might guess, Diminishers are "all about me" people -- self-absorbed and one-sided. Diminishers typically see other folks as an audience, not as individuals to be respected and understood. If you've ever suffered through a long conversation that dragged on like a monologue or a sermon, you've met a Diminisher.

On the other hand, Illuminators have a persistent curiosity about other people. "They have been trained, or have trained themselves in the craft of understanding others," Brooks writes. "They know what to look for and how to ask the right questions at the right time."

Illuminators know that a good conversation is reciprocal. As Brooks explains, a good conversation is not a group of people making a series of statements at each other. "In fact, that's a bad conversation," he says. With that in mind, How to Know a Person offers a list of 10 things you should (or shouldn't) do when you're talking with someone. (You’ll have to read the book to learn them all.)

Good talk is not a competition

For starters, a good conversationalist is "a loud listener" -- an active listener. "You want to be listening so actively that you're practically burning calories," Brooks writes. And don't fear the pause, he adds. Wait for the other person to finish making a point, then pause for a moment to consider how you'll respond.

And just as you might expect, one-upping is a huge turnoff. Or, as Brooks puts it, "Don't be a topper." If someone shares their good news, for instance, set your ego aside. Don't try to “top” or hijack the conversation with your own story. Remember: Conversation is not a competition. There's nothing wrong with building on a shared connection -- but don't keep shifting the talk back to yourself.

Asking good questions -- non-judgmental questions -- is another practical tool for understanding anyone, according to Brooks.

“Good conversationalists ask for stories about specific events or experiences, and then they go even further. They want to know how you experienced what happened. They want to understand what you were feeling when your boss told you that you were being laid off," he explains.

When we set our egos aside and look for the value in others -- even those with whom we disagree -- we grow and discover something larger and better in ourselves.

This isn't your ordinary, feel-good self-help book. But it's not a difficult read, partly because the author's self-deprecating humor and engaging voice carry the material effortlessly. I promise you'll see other people differently after you've finished it -- whether you hope to improve your social life or find better ways to survive a political discussion. It should be required reading for anyone who cares about getting along with others. ~Cindy La Ferle

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